This winter I found myself in a state of sadness. At first I thought I was just sad for the day but days became into weeks and then started turning into months . I realized it wasn’t sadness it was depression. Towards the end of 2017 it wad a difficult period for my family because two members of our family died. But I also was in a state where I was facing my real issues with myself that I’ve been ignoring for some time. I was crying everyday and sometimes I’ll cry just to cry. What didn’t help was that I was spending too much alone and I’m an introvert by nature , I enjoy my own company is good and bad. When you have a mental illness , you have to talk to someone, you have to join groups, seek help, self development , etc. For sometime , I wasn’t doing it, I kept to myself, writing was my therapy . But I acknowledge that I was spending too much time alone and it wasn’t a good thing.
I spoke with someone about how I’m feeling, I was trying to better understand my feelings. Now you see I’ve dealt with depression since I was 16 and didn’t seek help till I was 23. The difference between then and now , is that once my depression kicked in I would go in deeper and deeper and it would be a long time to take me out (then). Depression would go away then come back and it will stay there for months to years. Now is I know I’m going into that state and I don’t like how I’m feeling. That feeling is that you feel unworthy, your body just feels down, you feel like nothing will ever change (Now). That’s a bad feeling and everyday I was trying to understand my feelings, instead of ignoring my depression , I wanted to connect with it and see what’s up with it. Why are you back? Why me especially at this period?
I changed my routine , to change my feelings . I created new habits (gratitude journal at least everyday , make my bed , write on my journal , go to the gym). I started to run again and afterwards I loved how I felt , so I started doing it more. I joined a new Gym and go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I added an accountability partner to be around someone that has the same passion as me.This routine helped my sadness eased a little bit. I still have my moments even as I’m writing this I feel a sense of sadness.
Talking to someone helps , I’ve always said when you have a mental illness , it never goes away. I don’t ask for pitty, this is just my story my thoughts and I’m not the only one going through a state of depression/anxiety . I’m just here to say you not alone and is okay to not be okay .